(This pig has a few things to get off his chest about the condescension expressed by your species toward his own.)
A RADICAL NEW faction of the Equality For Pigs (EFP) party that recently broke away from its parent organisation has been grabbing headlines for its uncompromising stance against what it perceives as ‘society’s systemically unjust stigmatisation of the porcine kind’.
Calling itself Swine Against Discrimination (SAD), this brash, outspoken coalition of pigs’ rights groups recently published a bold Hamifesto which outlines its many grievances, concerns and stated ambition to ‘confront and overturn societal norms that exclude and marginalise’ those with adorable snouts and squiggly tails.
‘We, the pigs, have drawn a line and declared that enough is enough. No longer will we tolerate the shameful indignity and disrespect visited upon us by humanity. We get it, we’re delicious, you can’t help yourself carving us into chops, ribs and roasts; curing our flesh to make bacon and grinding us up to make sausages. Tear into that eisbein, enjoy the perfectly crisped crackling, knock yourselves out. All we ask for is a modicum of recognition and respect.’
One of the principal demands of SAD is a complete overhaul of the English language, which it sees as ‘the primary institution of the denigration and disenfranchisement’ of pigs the world over. Porky McSwineheim, the firebrand spokespig of SAD, has made clear the central aims of the organisation. ‘It is not political but cultural emancipation we seek,’ stated McSwineheim in a recent press conference. ‘Language is one of the most fundamental manifestations of a society’s moral configuration, and it is in this realm we seek redress from the unfettered affront to our honour.’
Turning the presser on its head, the combative McSwineheim proceeded to batter the bewildered throng of journalists with a relentless fusillade of questions and accusations. ‘Why does English harbour such a vast preponderance of pejorative figures of speech related exclusively to pigs?’ he demanded to know. ‘You people talk about sweating like a pig, stinking like a pig, living like a pig, eating like a pig and being thick as pigshit. What the fuck? Pigs are actually very clean when you don’t force us to live in filthy sties. We hardly sweat and we’re smarter than dogs so what’s with all the hate? Do you secretly fear and envy us or something?’
‘When something is deemed an insult to your intelligence you call it hogwash. Why hogwash? Why not sheepdip or dogvomit? Have you seen how filthy that water is once they’ve dipped a sheep? Or smelled a dog’s vomit? But nooooo, it has to be hogwash. If that isn’t discrimination and deliberate pigshaming I don’t know what is.’
‘Then come the idioms. Why is it “pearls before swine”? Why not “pearls before peacocks” or “diamonds before donkeys”? I mean, we sniff out truffles for fuck’s sakes. Fucking truffles. Do you have any idea how expensive those delicately fragrant fungi are? Almost as much as pearls themselves these days. Can you smell a truffle?’ aked McSwineheim, glaring at a hapless reporter. ‘No. Didn’t think so. You couldn’t smell a truffle if I held one under your nose you fucking philistine. Yet here your kind routinely makes us the scapegoat of idiots incapable of refinement and sophistication. It’s a disgrace.’
‘In fact, if it weren’t borne of historical fact, I’m pretty sure you’d all call it a “scapepig”,’ he muttered. ‘Then we have this business of “making a silk purse from a sow’s ear”,’ continued McSwineheim. ‘What the hell? Why not “warthog anus”? Or “sloth’s ear” if alliteration and cadence is so important to you race of poets? But no. Again, nothing good can come from a pig apparently. And not just a pig but a sow. A sow. Now you’ve just gone and added sexism to your toxic brew of aggression and oppression.’
And don’t even get me started on “screaming like a stuck pig”. If I stuck a sharpened piece of metal into your throat I’m pretty sure you’d also make a pretty big fuss about it.’
When asked what humankind might do to ameliorate the situation, McSwineheim was swift to reply. ‘Just change the norms. You lot are always banging on about the oppressiveness of gender-normative this and hetero-normative that, so why not give animal-normativity a go? Make films called “The Pig of Wall Street”. That hedonistic glutton was more pig than wolf. No self-respecting wolf is even remotely capable of those levels of narcissism and degeneracy. Write books called “I Know Why The Caged Pig Grunts” and choreograph ballets called called “Pig Lake”. I dunno, you’re so smart, you figure it out.’
At the time of going to press, the conference came to an abrupt halt when it was discovered that the lavish buffet laid on for journalists had been devoured in its entirety by persons, or animals, unknown.
