(There’s a pretty good chance that this was neither consumed nor produced by the last person to make use of the commode)
HAVING RECENTLY REPLACED the bankrupt Advertising Standards Authority of South Africa (ASA), the newly-established Advertising Regulation Bureau (ARB) was thrilled to announce its very first ruling this month. Bankrolled by many of the big brands operating in South Africa, the ARB is ostensibly a self-regulating industry watchdog which protects witless, credulous consumers from the manipulative mendacity of rogue elements of the advertising industry.
ARB’s new mettle was recently put to the test by a group of veteran consumers who refused to have the wool pulled over their eyes like a bunch of slack-jawed suckers who fall for every half-baked ruse perpetrated by money-grabbing corporations and their stooges in the advertising industry. This group of vigilant shoppers have embarked upon an action against Secrets, the range of air-fresheners manufactured by Glade, a subsidiary of multinational hygiene brand Johnson and Son.
‘They may think we’re a brain-dead herd of gullible sheep who fell off the haytruck yesterday but I can tell you that doesn’t apply to all of us. Some of us are wise to their shenanigans,’ said Jason Everitt, of Morningside, in his opening address to the ARB. ‘Right now is a case in point – I and my fellow complainants wish to demonstrate to what lengths Big Hygiene will go to ensnare us with their lies,’ he said, producing a brightly-coloured metal can he dramatically described as ‘Exhibit S’.
‘I refer in particular to the “Strawberries and Cream” varietal of Secrets,’ continued Everitt with filibustering fire. ‘Based on its name, the product make a promise to keep your secret, ergo that you have NOT just dumped over a kilogram of rancid fecal matter into the downstairs toilet but have, in fact, been enjoying a delicious bowl of strawberries and cream instead. However, a mere twenty minutes later, my wife remarked “Jesus, you certainly gave the sewerage treatment plant something to think about” which meant she KNEW I had just violently voided my bowels. In other words, Secrets lied to me and, by extension, I lied to the world. I will not be lied to. A wise man once said “A brand is a promise kept.” Well your promise, sir, is broken,’ concluded the latter-day Winston Churchill.
Mr Everitt’s testimony was backed up by that of Esmeree Vosloo, of the Bluff, who had bought the ‘Clean Linen’ varietal of Secrets in a bid to have her husband believe she had been doing the ironing in the bathroom instead of experiencing an explosive bout of diarrhoea. However, shortly entering the commode after Ms Vosloo’s volcanic intestinal episode, her husband exlaimed ‘Fuck me, I thought they banned mustard gas after World War 2!’. This made Ms Vosloo realise her secret had been betrayed and why she, too, felt deceived by the brand. A complainant, who wished to remain anonymous, added to the testimony that the scent exuded by the ‘Apple Cinnamon’ variant of Secrets failed to have anyone believe she was baking a cake in there and not, in fact, breaching a torpedo-sized turd through her anal sphincter.
Representing Johnson & Son was renowned Adv. Cyril de Marigny, LLM, of top South African law firm Wunch & Banker. ‘Whilst I sympathise with the plight of the complainants, I must respectfully reject their line of reasoning,’ said Adv. de Marigny. ‘If you had not been eating strawberries and cream; doing the laundry or baking a cake, then you are technically not hiding a secret but protecting a lie. There is therefore no breach of the Secrets promise. To blame the brand for having been caught in a lie smacks of opportunism and an inability to take responsibility for one’s own actions.’
After a brief hiatus in the proceedings to deliberate the matter, the ARB found in favour of the complainants, stating that a product that could clearly not keep a secret, whether real or imaginary, had no business calling itself ‘Secrets’. As a result, Glade was forced to issue a massive product recall and, in the interests of transparency, ordered to rebrand their product with geater honesty and transparency.
At the time of going to press, Glade were considering changing the name from ‘Secrets’ to either ‘Lies’; ‘Weak, Stupid Lies You’re An Idiot For Expecting Anyone To Believe’ and ‘Don’t Let The Sweet Smell Seduce You: Someone Has Recently Expelled A Fuckton Of Disgusting Fecal Matter From Their Rectal Canal Right Here In This Room’.
