(Only the most elite members of Zenwell © get to die of Ebola while drinking a free smoothie during a half-price screening of Avengers: Age of Thortron movie)
ALTHOUGH AN ULTRA Premier Plus Plan member of leading private health insurer Zenwell Alliance © for over two decades, local man Eric Musgrave was not in the least bit upset by the fact that the various potentially fatal diseases he suffered from were not covered by his medical aid. ‘Sure, I’ve got hepatitis, but that’s my fault for getting wasted and banging the stripper at Dave’s 40th. But who cares, check this out: I’ve linked my FitBit to my SmartWatch and it says that if I walk a couple hundred more metres today I’ll get a free smoothie. Booya.’
At his annual routine checkup, Musgrave was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Upon speaking to a Zenwell Alliance © operative on the company’s helpline, he was informed that treatment for this particular condition was excluded on his policy. ‘However,’ said the sexy-sounding young woman with a slight British accent, ‘I can see on your profile that you only have two more gym visits to go before you get a free pair of movie tickets for any new local movie release!’ ‘That’s great,’ enthused Musgrave, who rarely spent more than 15 minutes at the gym. ‘That new Avengers movie just came out. Psyched.’
At a recent dinner party, Musgrave was seated next to the cousin of a friend who had recently been declared 100% healthy after a lengthy battle with prostate cancer. ‘Jeez, that must have cost a packet,’ said Musgrave. ‘Actually, the medical aid took care of everything. They were amazing,’ replied the man, who had joined entry-level medical aid Good Health a few years before. ‘That’s great,’ said Musgrave, ‘but tell me – do Good Health give you free coffees, smoothies and movie coupons for completing weekly goals?’ Upon conceding that he in fact, did not get free coffees, smoothies or movie coupons, Musgrave smirked triumphantly. ‘Not much of a medical aid, are they?’
A cursory glance of the Good Health website revealed membership would cost him significantly less while all his conditions would be treated. ‘But,’ said Musgrave with a sneer as he shook his giant Mega Summer Spritz smoothie, ‘do you get one of these bad boys for free for taking the stairs instead of the lift? Didn’t fucking think so.’
At the time of going to press, Musgrave had just awoken in hospital from a lengthy diabetic coma with a bill that would require him to sell his house and car to settle. Upon his discharge, a doctor presented Musgrave with a complex diabetes eating plan and the advice to ‘definitely lay off the smoothies for a while.’
