(It has been scientifically determined that both the angle and the height of a wife’s raised eyebrow are an accurate measurement of your current net worth as a husband)
THE RESULTS OF a groundbreaking longitudinal study undertaken in dozens of countries over the last three decades have recently been published in an explosive new book to the collective shock of the global scientific community. Whimsically entitled Cupid’s Barrow, the tome carries the more academic descriptor of ‘The Eyebrows of Women as Key Signifier of Current Estimation of Husband’.
Published by the prestigious Cambridge University Press, the work immediately shot to the top of bestseller lists around the world and it has been the subject of heated debate in public opinion forums with the hashtag #ArchedEnemy trending atop every social media platform. The group of authors have appeared on many prominent cable and network chat shows, with Ellen de Generes heralding the work as ‘a palpable blow for the emancipation of women’.
One of the most widely-quoted case studies is that of ‘Mr and Mrs K.’ a potent demonstration of how the seemingly banal rituals of suburban domesticana can be observed as the fundamental narratives of society itself.
One Sunday morning Mr K. bade farewell to his wife as he departed for his scheduled cycling excursion with his friend, M. Mrs K. was at the dining room table having tea with some of her friends. At the announcement of his departure, the collective eyebrows of the womenfolk shot up in breathtaking symmetry.
‘You’re off cycling with your friend on a Sunday?’ gasped one, doing nothing to conceal her nausea and revulsion.
‘What about [Mrs K.]? You’re just going to leave her here with the kids?’
‘It’s OK,’ said Mrs K. ‘We’ve got a system. It’s totally fine.’
After Mr K. had left, his sense of excitement now curdled by guilt and resentment, Mrs K.’s friends were all curious as to whether Mr K. had ever, at any point, in any shape or form, even so much as glanced at the chapter of The Husband Manual entitled ‘Responsibility’? Or how about the one entitled ‘Now That You’re a Husband and Father it’s Time to Stop Being a Selfish Prick’?
Based upon the mass of raw data assembled by researchers, the authors detected collective eyebrow-arching activity of between 35 and 70 degrees at a remarkable rate of 3 eyebrow-raises per second (ERPS) among Mrs K’s circle of friends. According to the deep-thinking algorithm developed by the team of scientists behind the book, this translated into a staggeringly low 32.7% in the Husband Approval Rating (HAR) metric in this demographic.
The scientists further established that, even though Mrs K.’s own HAR measured 100% before her husband merrily choofed off on his bicycle he’s so in love with, by the time her children appeared demanding breakfast, it was at 61% and showing distinct signs of plummeting further.
