(Much like the pair sported here, the drivers of Ford Ranger trucks are at extreme risk of developing explosive testicular growth)
IN A RECENT scientific study, it was determined that men who purchase a Ford Ranger undergo a 60% – 80% likelihood of a dramatic increase in the size of their testicles. Dr Logan Hauptstatter, one of the lead researchers in the study, stated that ‘the sense of warrior-like invincibility experienced by even the most timid of men when they get behind the wheel of one of these vehicles would appear to trigger a massive release of testosterone. The raw, bestial power of the Ford Ranger coursing through their veins and the guttural roar of its engine spark a release of the male sex hormone significant enough to almost double the size of their testicles within as little of 5 minutes of drive-time.’
Those who merely took this prehistoric monster of a vehicle for a test-drive soon found their testicles returning to normal size. However those who made the evolutionary leap into possession of a Ford Ranger were likely to find the change a permanent one. The study found that new owners were at increased risk of wearing khaki, enjoying Old Spice ads from the 1970s and referring to every single male acquaintance as ‘my boy.’ They were also extremely likely to engage in activities such as chest-bumping, high-fiving and purchasing 2kg containers of USN Hardcore Whey. The study team, however, was unable to confirm a causal link between the acquisition of a Ford Ranger and that of CD box sets of ZZ Top, Bon Jovi and Def Leppard.
Dr Haupstatter urged that caution be exercised by those purchasing the top-of-the range Wildtrak edition of the Ford Ranger as this correlated with the radical increase in consumption of raw eggs, Jagermeister and MMA video content. Researchers also reported associated behavioural aberrations such as the cultivation of a Viking-like beard; contemplation of a full-sleeve tribal tattoo and obsessive accumulation of non-perishable food items for ‘the end-times’. Of greatest concern to the scientists were those who customised the badge on the rear of their trucks to read ‘RANGER DANGER’ or ‘TEXAS RANGER’: these men ran the risk of being overcome by the urge to wrestle grizzly bears in the wild or drink their own urine.
Those who took the extreme step of having the word ‘RANGER’ entirely replaced by ‘BALLER’ were 100% guaranteed to grow an entire second set of testicles which would cause their brains to explode in a deafening crescendo eerily similar to to the chorus of ‘Eye of the Tiger’.
On a less alarming note, the study concluded by noting that, despite the increase in testicular dimensions and increased flow of testosterone, 99% of men who purchased Ford Rangers would continue to go bald, develop ever-widening beer-bellies and pass out before completing 1km of the Iron Man they had informed researchers they would ‘totally crush.’
