(One of the quirky items off the delightully eclectic menu at vibey Roger’s Ribshack)
AT THE RECENT International Restaurant Critic Convention held in Durban, undisputed culinary capital of the world, the most highly regarded professional food writers from the four corners of the planet gathered to compare notes on their various state-of-the-art approaches to the rarefied art of reviewing restaurants.
While there was much robust debate on such hot-topic issues as to whether the reviewer ought to announce themselves to the restaurant beforehand or employ the more controversial, guerilla-style ‘secret diner’ approach, there was nothing but overwhelming consensus when it came to the preferred diction, vocabulary, syntax and style of writing required of the flawless restaurant review.
Reflecting this remarkable accord, rare in many a critical profession where opinions can often be deeply divided, was one of the most eagerly anticipated symposia of the convention. Whimsically entitled ‘Delicious Words’, the session saw the conference convenors enthral those in the packed auditorium with what it described as ‘The Perfect Restaurant Review’. It revealed that, ‘in keeping with the latest industry trends such as incorporating AI into business models’, it had commissioned the creation of an experimental deep-thinking algorithm informally dubbed ‘CritBot’.
For the presentation, CritBot had captured the data of tens of thousands of restaurant reviews from over 120 countries across the earth over the past year and had, based on its analytics, produced the ‘rigorously scientific ne plus ultra of the complex word-assembly output function known colloquially as “the restaurant review”’. Programmed with Scarlett Johannson’s voice, CritBot proceeded to read its algorithmically-derived review of Roger’s Ribshack, one of Durban’s most beloved steakhouses.
‘Buzzy local bistro Roger’s Ribshack is known for its buzzy, vibey ambience, so my partner and I headed there on a Saturday evening and it certainly was buzzing. This quirky, edgy establishment is well known for its delightfully eclectic menu including a funky winelist and quirky desserts. We were certainly not disappointed,’ began the review, Johannson’s dulcet tones floating serenely from the speakers.
‘Oh my god,’ whispered one stunned restaurant reviewer in the audience to a colleague. ‘They’ve absolutely nailed it. Every indispensable adjective is right there in the opening paragraph’.
The review concluded that for a buzzy, vibey atmosphere and quirky, funky food from a delightfully eclectic menu, Roger’s Ribshack could not be beat. In an unextected coda to Johannson’s sonorous rendition came the ominous voice of James Earl Jones informing all conference attendees that, as of this moment, CritBot would be writing every restaurant review for every newspaper, magazine, website, podcast and blog in the world and their collective services had, as of this moment, been terminated.
At the time of going to press, it was announced that the upcoming International Film Critic Convention had been indefinitely postponed due to every single delegate unexpectedly cancelling at the last minute.
