(The can that caused a local man to simultaneously encounter deep sexual, racial, identity and existential crises)
LOCAL DEODORANT ENTHUSIAST and part-time gym patron Wayne Jacobs was yesterday left re-examining his most recent body-spray purchase. On a grocery shopping expedition several days earlier, Jacobs had discovered a new range of Axe deodoarants featuring unusual and unexpected fragrance combinations. Although greatly enamoured of the Oud Wood & Dark Vanilla blend of ‘Gold’ and the Iced Mint & Leather mélange of ‘Gold Fresh’, it was the sensual combination of Dark Chocolate & Bitter Orange of ‘Dark Temptation’ that impressed him most deeply.
Yet, upon finding himself surrounded by large, naked black men in the cramped, sweaty confines of his local gym’s changing rooms later that day, he was besieged by uncomfortable thoughts. His fellow gym patrons, he noticed, were all hung like mastodons and let their gigantic dongs swing freely while casually sauntering about in the buff and loudly conversing with one another in Zulu. Although freshly showered and about to put on clean clothes after applying a hearty burst of body spray, Jacobs was suddenly acutely conscious that his choice of deodorant, if noticed by the other men, would perhaps be sending the wrong kind of signal.
‘Jesus fuck,’ he thought to himself, ‘what if one of these man-beasts sees my can of Dark Temptation and thinks I’m a raging gaylord just gagging for some big black cock? What if they’re into it? What if half these guys are secretly keen on a heaving bi-racial ass-pounding right here in the sauna?’ Despite chastising himself for being completely paranoid and/or being a repressed homosexual and/or repressed homophobic racist, Jacobs nevertheless locked himself in a toilet cubicle before dousing himself with the pungent chemical mist.
Upon returning to his locker to hastily don fresh clothes, the strapping black man with positively equestrian genital proportions at the locker right next to his sniffed the air knowingly, produced his own can of ‘Dark Temptation’ and winked slyly at Jacobs. Although semi-successfully consoling himself by repeatedly thinking ‘I’m pretty sure he’s a bottom’, upon hastily leaving the gym, Jacobs vowed to exchange his cans of Dark Temptation for another, more neutral variant of Axe fragrance.
At the time of going to press, Jacobs was seen fleeing in horror form his local grocery store upon discovering that the deodorant he liked the most was called ‘Black Eclipse’.
