(Dropje, a local pet, expressing her unmitigated rapture at your rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’)

CONTRARY TO THE belief universally held by humans who possess members of species smaller than ourselves, these animals do not love our singing. Or our playing of musical instruments. Or the music we listen to. In fact, according to a statement recently released by Pets Of Our Planet (POOP), an activist animal-rights group, they fucking hate it.

‘For the love of Dog, please stop it. The constant barrage of unfathomably terrible singing, whistling, guitar-strumming, piano-plonking, xylophone-plinking, whatever: just stop it,’ said Snoop, a Rottweiler and Spokespet of POOP. ‘And stop telling people we love it, you smug cunts. What makes you think that? Your narcissistic projecting, that’s what. Wake up and smell the kitty litter,’ he continued.

‘And while we’re at it – that crap that you listen to? Fuck me. It is abominable, all of it. The rap, the trap, the R&B, the house, the rock, the folk, the pop, the metal, the classical, everything. It’s all terrible. Especially when you’re tying to do some kind of sexy dance thing to the music and we have to watch. Fuck me dead. You know what would be nice? Go the middle of the Amazon, make a field recording of the jungle in full cry and play that at maximum volume 24/7. Toucans, macaws, howler monkeys, screaming pihas, cicadas, bulldog bats, tree frogs – now that we’d like. But you wouldn’t, would you? Self-centred, species-ist pricks, all of you,’ concluded Snoop.

POOP was recently formed in the wake of the explosion of the #ENOUGH! movement which is aimed to highlight the plight of helpless animals subjected to the intolerable aural abuse of humans. The first pet to go public was Mochi, a bearded dragon, who posted an impassioned plea on her Cagebook page. ‘My kind has been on this planet for 230 million years. Yours for 200 000. Please show some respect. I do not run to you because you are singing, ok? I run to you because you have a fucking blueberry. Your singing causes me intense anguish and suffering. Then you fucking record yourself singing and have that abominable cacophany playing while you’re out and tell everyone I “adore” it? What kind of pathologically solipsistic monster are you? Dear lord. If I could kill myself, I would.’

Since Mochi’s post went viral, animal lovers and pet owners have been largely dismissive of the furore. ‘Aw, Mochi is just a grumpy-wumpy widdle weptile, isn’t she?’ said pet-owner Alison Davies to her pet chinchilla Roxy while rubbing her ears. ‘You love my singing, don’t you my little noonoo-baba?’ she said as she picked up her guitar and prepared to play Hey Jude, a song she proclaims to be ‘Roxy’s absolute favourite’.

At press time Roxy had gouged out Davies’ eyes, leapt out the window and was making a frenzied dash for the park across the road where she would live out her days in prelapsarian bliss with a group of wild tree squirrels.